so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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