He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
