I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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