Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
