we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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