I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
