Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
