I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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