i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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