I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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