at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
