Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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