Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
