I wish my penis had an off switch
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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