there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
