My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
