"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
