god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
