my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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