just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
