The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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