im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
