I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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