One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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