Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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