Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
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Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage