I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
