Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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