Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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