The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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