people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
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Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
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wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
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