Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
