when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
