Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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