I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
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you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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