the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
