Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
