Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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