Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
