I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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