I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
