hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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