I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
