I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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