I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
