so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
