Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
