Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
babies were throwing up all over the place
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
