he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
