So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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