I accidentally had phone sex last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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