I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
