Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
