Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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