9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
