Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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