She said her name was "party"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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