Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
